Pros and Cons: Writing Your Wedding Vows Together

The perks and drawbacks of sitting down with your sweetheart to write your wedding vows.

Pros and Cons: Writing Your Wedding Vows Together

Photo: LaCour Photography

Black and white photo of bride and groom's wedding vows

It’s the age-old wedding question: should we write our own vows?

More couples are opting to personalize their ceremony than ever before, and with the influx of creative new brides and grooms, the pressure to write the perfect vows is immense. Every friend and family member showers you with the typical pieces of advice: don’t make them too long, don’t make them too short, not too funny, but don’t be boring, they should make him cry, but don’t ruin your makeup, etc. It’s an overwhelming task to take on alone – so what if you didn’t have to?

Some couples have decided that, instead of holing themselves up in a corner of the house to write their vows in solitary, they’d like to make the experience a joint effort. Some choose to write the same vows, to be recited by both, to strengthen their meaning. Others simply choose to consult and agree on what they’re promising. We’ve broken it down, and here are the pros and cons of writing your vows with your future spouse.


No surprises. You know for a fact that he won’t have three pages of sentiments while you wrote a short poem. You can both ensure that there won’t be much discrepancy between the two.

It’s a bonding experience. Between calls to the caterer and organizing lodging for large extended families, your relationship will start feeling a little less romantic and a little more professional. This is a great reminder of why you’re getting married in the first place.

It allows you to discuss your combined values. At this point, you’re most likely aware of most of your beloved's personal beliefs – and you theirs – but having the extra discussion about your individual expectations for your new family’s combined ethics is never a bad idea.

If you decide to write the same vows, you’ll surprise your guests. In addition to the personal benefits, many attendees probably won’t expect you to recite the same heartfelt speech. This shows your unity as a couple to your family and friends, plus an extra little surprise for everyone. Showmanship points!


- No surprises. You’ll know exactly what your sweetheart is going to say and that may take away some of the genuine emotion you’ll feel hearing them for the first time during your ceremony.

- There’s potential for an argument. If one of you wants to write with a lot of humor and entertainment value, but the other wants vows to be tearjerkers through to the very end, it could cause hurt feelings and an unexpected disagreement.

- It may confuse guests. Unfortunately, attendees have opinions on everything, and some are more vocal about those opinions than others. Doing something different in your ceremony and steering away from traditional vows may garner some comments, such as “that was an interesting choice,” from your great aunt during the reception.

Personally, we love the idea. Of course, as with every wedding element, doing what fits your personal style and comfort level is the most important thing!